Thoughts That Touch My Heart

A precious girlfriend has noticed that I am not my happy self. I have a couple of things to share about that and how I feel. I came across these words, and they describe how I feel or where I find myself at times... “And I felt like my heart had been so thoroughly and irreparably broken that there could be no real joy again, that at best there might eventually be a little contentment. Everyone wanted me to get help and rejoin life, pick up the pieces and move on, and I tried to, I wanted to, but I just had to lie in the mud with my arms wrapped around myself, eyes closed, grieving, until I didn’t have to anymore.”

Another precious girlfriend sent this to me, and I can identify with this, as well... "When we lose someone that we love, we will never be the same, but that doesn't mean we can't heal... an analogy would be to think of what it is like for someone to lose a limb... they are never the same after that loss, but they do heal from the wound... they have a new normal they must adapt to... There will be challenges and difficulties, times of sadness and frustration... and always an awareness of what they have lost... especially when their loss is new and as they are adapting and learning to live with their new normal... but they can go on and live a happy life even while missing that part of themselves."

It is going to take time for me to get to that place of living a happy life again. More details have come out regarding Lary's death and what he had to go through that are sad and disturbing. Plus, the legal process that is going on keeps things front and center, from time to time.

These words were also sent to me by my girlfriend... "Healing doesn't mean that we never think of lost loved ones, or that we stop loving them or that we never miss them... but as we learn to accept and adjust to life without our loved ones physically in it... we do get to the place where we can think of the good times and those memories bring smiles instead of tears... healing means that we are not stuck in our pain and that we go on to live our lives to the best of our ability, which is what our loved ones would want for us. They would want us to cherish each day as a gift and to be thankful for the many blessings we have remaining and to not focus on what we have lost. Healing is possible with God's help... He tells us that He is near to the broken hearted and that He binds our wounds... He says that He will turn our mourning to joy and bring beauty from ashes... with His strength and through Him, we can do all things and nothing shall be impossible for us. Trust God with the broken pieces of your heart and He will fill those empty places with more of Himself."

For me, I know that this is a process... and, in that process, at least I have a good idea of where I am, where I hope to be, and what is possible for my future. It is just going to take time. Lary has only been gone for four months. I love him deeply. He was my best friend and the most amazing human being. We saw each other through some of the most difficult times of our lives.

Sometimes, I think the depth of a person's grief is commensurate with the depth of the love they have for that person. I love Lary so much, and I miss him terribly. It's just going to take time to allow God to work in my life continually to bring me through this loss process. It's just going to take time. I have moments when I feel "happy." I think those are times when God gives me a much needed "rest."

My girlfriend also sent this to me, and I can identify with this, as well... "When you lose someone you love, you never fully recover or return to the person you were before you lost them. You just learn to adapt to the new you." I realize that I will never return to being the person I was before Lary's death. But, I am hopeful that the "new me" will be even better. It's just going to take time... and, right now, that's okay. God understands.